Guilt feelings

Now is the worst part, and that is the guilt I feel over whether or not I did the right thing. In my heart I know I did, and I saw the sad, pleading look in Lady's eyes, when she would even look at me. She spent most of the last two days trying to get behind the furniture into a corner and face the wall. Not behavior of an animal who wants to go on with life that is either painful or in too much of a fog of drugs to be pleasant.

The vet obviously didn't want to euthanize Lady - she as much as told me that the first day I took Lady in to see her. That is how I got talked into trying the two medications - anything to get my dog back to a somewhat normal life with less pain. The Meloxicam that I got from the vet in Montana worked wonders, allowing her to live a normal life and be active again. But then the side effects put an end to that, and we ended up with an even stronger drug (Tramadol) that completely made her crazy. I had asked the vet if I could start her on a lower dose, and then increase it if she took it well. The vet's idea was to start her on the "normal" dose and then cut back if necessary. The normal dose had her panting, pacing from one room to another, made difficult by the fact that she couldn't stand up or walk straight. At one point she was lying down and fell over sideways, hitting her head on the floor and couldn't get back up.

The vet gave me a printed report of Lady's condition, and I must say it was whitewashed to the point that I didn't recognize my own dog. To her everything was normal, behavior alert, etc. It isn't normal for a dog to withdraw from everything and everyone like she did. I made up my mind yesterday afternoon to do the right thing by my dog.

The vet couldn't even get the last few minutes right, first trying the vein in the back leg, then the front, and then the back again. Thankfully Lady was sedated pretty much and I hope she didn't feel the pain of being poked and prodded.

I'm relieved it's over and know she is in a better place, but I feel so damn guilty about it. I can only reason that if I'm in terrible illness and pain at the end of my life, I don't want anyone to try to keep me alive with drugs and medications. I can only hope that a dog has the same inclinations.

Why am I going into all this? I'm not sure, except I hope that anyone reading this will remember it when their pet is ready to cross that bridge. If you instinctively know it is time, then don't let a vet talk you into trying procedures and medicines that pad their pockets and don't really add anything to your pet's quality of life. A dog is a dog and is not a human being, and they can't make those kinds of decisions so they rely on us to do the best for them. The best isn't always to keep them alive at all costs, even though many humans feel that way about their own lives, but that's their choice. I just don't believe a dog would want to stay alive at all costs, and hope I made the right choice for Lady.

Taken in better days:


I thank each and everyone of you who has offered me your sympathy. I can't put into words how much it means to me the depth of caring in the RV/Blogger community, and it will help me to get through the next few painful days and weeks.